Under the Hat
by hairymclary
Summary: The Sorting Hat's PoV while Sorting.
1. Chapter 1: Hufflepuff

Come on, that's just rude. How am I supposed to read your mind when you've got _those_ barriers up?

What do you mean, you don't want me to read your mind? I _have_ to read your mind! How else do you think I tell you which House would suit you?

If you would let your barriers down, I'd be able to _tell _you where you're supposed to be.

Come on! I may have all the time in the world, but I'm sure you're making the other first years impatient.

Oh, very well, then. Are you brave?

Well, are you ambitious then?

'Not really.' Great. Are you clever?

Are you loyal?

Well what _are_ you, then?

'Private'. _Why me? _

Shut up. You don't think I _asked_ to be a hat, do you? Oh, I know, what about your family?

_Muggle-born?_ Then where, in Salazar's name, did you learn Occlumency?

It's the thing that means I don't know what you're thinking.

OK, and is your Uncle Horatio a wizard? He must be, with a name like that.

What do you mean, he's not? How can he not be a wizard?

So what am I supposed to do with you then?

Okay, okay, is there anywhere you would _like_ to be?

Why?

You 'like the sound of it'. Fine, fine, far be it from me to complain. The sooner you leave me alone, the better.

"**HUFFLEPUFF!"**

And I hope you'll be happy there.


	2. Chapter 2: Ravenclaw

Oh, thank Merlin, someone easy.

"**SL-"**

I beg your pardon?

You _what?_

But you're _obviously_ supposed to be in Slytherin!

I mean suited! You would _fit! _You'd be happy there!

Of course you would!

But-

Yes, I _do _value my brim, as a matter of fact!

Oh.

...well, I can quite understand if you don't want to be Sorted into Slytherin.

No, no, you're absolutely right, it's a very dull House, not worthy of you. There's no way that House would do you any good whatsoever.

Yes, yes, of course you would be better suited to Ravenclaw. Yes, yes, I understand.

And if I put you in Ravenclaw, will you leave me in peace?

No spontaneous combustion in the Headmaster's office?

No experiments with the Cruciatus Curse on animate objects?

No Potions practice in me?

But how do I know I can trust you? Oh, yes, of course. I can't.

No, I _know_ I haven't got a choice!

"**RAVENCLAW" **it is, then.


	3. Chapter 3: Slytherin

Okay, so I've got two possible places for you, but I don't know which one.

No, you're _completely_ balanced between ambition and wisdom.

No, they're _not_ polar opposites! I'll have you know that Rowena and Salazar got on very well indeed, at least until the whole muggle-born thing...

Opposites attract? My, you _are_ a cynic. Although you may be right...

Anyway, any idea which you'd prefer? Ravenclaw or Slytherin?

Of course you don't. I should have known. There's one every year. Every _single_ year, without fail.

What about your parents?

_Hufflepuffs?_ How could _Hufflepuffs_ possibly bring up a scheming, rational individual like you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Um.

Well, where did I put your friends?

What, no-one? What did you _do_ on the Hogwarts Express all day? No, don't tell me: you were reading. All day. No, I can't say I'm surprised.

So how else do I decide? What's your favourite colour? Do you prefer blue or green?

Black. It would be black.

Have you got a coin? We could flip a coin.

It doesn't matter whether it's Wizard or Muggle, _have you got a coin or not?_

Oh.

Here, I tell you what! Let's have a staring contest, and whoever blinks first has to choose where you go.

What does it matter whether I have eyes or not? Or whether I ever blink?

Hmph.

I know! Are you evil? Evil wizards are usually in Slytherin.

You're sarcastic, though. That's _almost_ evil.

Yes, I _know_ I'm pushing it, but how else am I supposed to decide?

Oh, get lost, you **"SLYTHERIN!"**


	4. Chapter 4: Gryffindor

Hmmm... let me see...

Shh, I'm trying to concentrate...

What _is_ it?

No, you don't want to be in Gryffindor. You're the least noble person I've ever Sorted.

Of course I know what you want! I can read your mind, remember?

Oh, right. So what's your friend's name?

But just because he's in Gryffindor, doesn't mean you have to be.

No, it doesn't!

No, it- Look, I'm not going to get involved in any petty childish arguments. **"HU-"**

Hey, what was that for?

But you're not even supposed to _know_ the Silencing Charm!

Well, it's just not nice!

So, what are you planning to do now? I'm not putting you in Gryffindor, and you're not letting me put you in anywhere else.

Don't be silly, it would be totally obvious if you shouted it out yourse-

Oh. Well. Can you at least remove the Silencing Charm before you go? Please?


	5. Chapter 5: Hufflepuff

Oh, not _another_ one. How many first years _are_ there this year?

Well, no wonder! You'd sound put upon if you had to read forty-odd minds every year!

What? I'm tired!

Hey! How dare you! I do _not_ sound like a grumpy two-year-old.

No, I'm not pouting.

Of course I'm not.

Well, go away.

I haven't sorted you? Huh.

"**HUFFLEPUFF!"**


	6. Chapter 6: Ravenclaw

Right... a lot of ambition there... ah. You're muggle-born, aren't you?

Well, that's one option out of the window. Oh, but you're clever, too... and you've got a wide range of interests...

I'm sorry?

Well, Slytherin, of course. Even _I_ know how the Slytherins pick on muggle-borns, and I'm a hat! Just think how much worse it would be if you were in their own House.

You do realise that statement has just put you squarely in Gryffindor, don't you?

Oh, you don't care about that either, do you?

Look, _why_ do you want to be in Slytherin? Because the colours go with your eyes?

Oh. Fine. _Girls!_

What if I _were_ to put you in Ravenclaw?

Emotional blackmail is not going to work on me, however Slytherin a trait it may be. I'm a _hat_, for Godric's sake. I don't have any emotions.

No, I don't!

No, I'm _not_ angry! Didn't you hear me? I don't have emotions!

See, you're arguing logically. You're obviously supposed to be in Ravenclaw.

Oh, you do, do you? Well I'm glad _someone_ agrees with me, for once. You see? You're sensible: you know when an argument's lost. You're obviously-

Don't tell me to get on with it! I'll go at my own speed, thankyou very much!

"**RAVENCLAW!"**


	7. Chapter 7: Slytherin

Watch out! _Watch out!_ Take me off!

_Take me off! _Right this minute!

_TAKE ME OFF! I think I'm going to be sick!_

Well, you could have listened, couldn't you? So what was it that I produced? Ooh, a troll's club! Wow! I don't even remember swallowing that! Isn't that cool? I wonder what it'll be next time? Who knows, it might even be Godric's sword... Wouldn't that be amazing? After no-one's seen it for centuries, and I could be the one to produce it... And it might even be on some first year's head, like you!

I said, it might even be on some first year's head, like you!

I _said- _oh, you're unconscious. It must have been that troll's club...

Would someone take this **"SLYTHERIN!"** away from me?

And don't forget the club!


	8. Chapter 8: Gryffindor

OK, let's take a look at your memories...

What's the matter? What's wrong with this one? You know you can't hide anything from the Sorting Hat, don't y-

…

Uh...

…

Hey...

…

Hey, she's quite-

Merlin's sack, what are they-?

But-

How-

I didn't know humans bent that way...

…

Wow...

…

Hang on, you're eleven! You shouldn't have been watching this stuff! ...woah... Where did you get it from?

Hmm, what? Oh, **"GRYFFINDOR!" **Don't interrupt me when I'm- oh _dear_, that looks painful.

But where did you get this stuff? Can you get me some? No, wait! Don't go! Come back! I want to see your other memories! Please?


End file.
